FINDING PEACE

FINDING PEACE

For many years I have sought peace. Not necessarily the restful kind, not RIP. After all, God has chosen to leave me here for a while; but the kind of peace that can sustain me through the trials of each day. The kind of peace that will see me through the myriad of obstacles I will confront. This is the same peace and joy promised by Jesus. For years these qualities have eluded me.

At the urging of our pastor I have begun daily reading of the Bible, prayer and devotions. Usually the devotions take place at the beginning of the day to better prepare me for the activities that God will place before me. This devotion period has become an important part of my day.

I perceived that there were two issues remaining, unresolved, between His joy and myself.

The first was the agony and miserable existence I experienced over the years in my job as a product service supervisor for a small electronics firm. The job was trying, to say the least, and pure hell to put it into proper perspective. Each day was chaos, each weekend a welcomed reprieve. There were so many demands that only rarely could I complete one task without others surfacing, demanding immediate attention. If I was on the phone I could hear the tone of other calls coming in that I couldn’t immediately get to and they would soon appear as a little red blinking light indicating that another voice mail was awaiting my attention. People often walked in with additional chores to be looked after. All of them important, all requiring immediate attention.

It has not always been like that. When I was in my previous position I used to drive my fellow workers crazy with my constant whistling. I was always in a good mood and expressed it outwardly through whistling. I hadn’t whistled for 16 years, ever since I came into my supervisory position. There was neither time nor inclination as I was constantly being rushed from one task to another.

It finally occurred to me, keep in mind that I am a little slow at learning, that God had used that job to bring me into a closer relationship with him. He had been trying for years to get my attention, I simply was not listening. Through the chaos, I began to rely on the strength of God to get me through the day. My own strength was gone, spent in a futile effort to keep up with the demands each day brought.

I prayed each morning that God would see me through the day, lead and guide me, to let me walk in His footsteps and surround me with His presence. I asked that He use me as His servant. This prayer helped, but something was still missing, something elusive was not taking place. Yes, my days went better but the chaos continued although not every day and not in the intensity I had previously experienced. But, something was missing.

A couple of weeks ago, I was reading a book called Listening for God by Marilyn Hontz. This book spoke to my heart in that in the book was the suggestion that rather than seeking God’s help to get through the day, I can count on Him to accomplish that, I should have instead been asking God what I could do for Him that day. He will take care of me and my challenges, I simply need to ask him to point out what it is He wants me to accomplish for Him each day. You see, we cannot serve both man and God. In the past I have been worshipping God but serving man. What a frustrating experience. I decided that from then on I will no longer serve man but commit each day in the service of our Lord.

Well, God finally got my attention. I took early retirement from the chaos that was my job. Now, each morning I ask what it is that I may do for Him. I go about the day in the confidence that God is with me. He awakens in me an awareness of His presence, a reminder that He is there looking out for me. Regrettably I still have some of the old man in me and periodically ignore His instructions and avoid a situation which I know may be stressful. But He forgives me and continues to bring about resolutions in a much easier fashion than I could ever have done on my own. Each day I whistle.

The second issue has been with me longer with much more intensity than the job.

For 39 years I have harbored pain and guilt over the death of our son, Little Ron. These emotions never went away. Sometimes they would emerge in an overpowering rage. Tears would bring relief for a while but the pain and the guilt were always just below the surface, constant companions to a grieving father.

Then in March 2005 I was invited to take part in a church retreat called Via de Cristo. The retreat began on Thursday evening and continued through Sunday Evening. It was a great retreat, heightening my awareness of the presence and blessings of the Holy Spirit. The weekend was going well but, by Saturday evening I was wondering to myself what it was that I would be taking home with me from the weekend. Surely there had to be more than I had so far experienced.

Back in our cabin late Saturday evening I was moved to explain to a couple of my cabin mates that I was experiencing the peace of God in my life but was not yet experiencing the joy of the Lord. Months earlier I had achieved the peace of God which had been the subject of a years long quest. Now, I wanted the joy. Jim, Danny and I talked at length and eventually they retired for the night. I went to the front porch to read scripture and write in my journal under a dim night light. After a while, I too retired but didn’t sleep. I prayed to God to help me remove these two barriers that stood between myself and His joy. I would lay there for a while listening for His voice. Only silence came. I tossed and turned, prayed and listened. No response. I believe He was awaiting my confession of my sins of guilt, anger and lack of faith in Him as related to my job and the loss of Little Ron. Finally, I have no idea what time it was early in the morning hours, I got up and went to shave and prepare myself for the following day knowing that soon someone would be coming to awaken us. I went back to bed and finally slept. I will never know how long I slept but sure enough, we were awakened for the days activities.

The day progressed pretty much as had Friday and Saturday. Then late in the afternoon we were handed a piece of paper with the instructions that if there was anything, anything at all, standing between us and God to write it down on that piece of paper. How did they know what I had been wrestling with God all night over? God, to His glory, was giving me His answer to my prayer. We were told that we were going to nail these pieces of paper to the cross. I cannot say I really understood what was going to happen, just as Jesus’ disciples frequently failed to understand what Jesus told them.

We were led to the building that had housed our chapel all weekend, only this time there was something different. Where the altar had previously been now stood a large wooden cross. It finally hit me what we were going to do. God was giving me His answer is a powerful way. He had heard my prayer, my desire to remove these two obstacles (actually my desire to confess of my sins ) to His joy. He was now providing the means to do just that. We were told that each of us could nail our barriers to the cross. Later these pieces of paper would be removed and burned as an offering to God.

We were instructed to nail them gently to the cross, not bury the head of the nail into the wood as that would make it difficult to remove the paper. Most of the guys listened, some so well that their nails fell out shortly after being driven in. When my turn came, it was such an intense experience that I tapped the nail once, twice, then on the third hit I slammed it with determination. After all, God was answering my prayer. The head didn’t go all the way to the wood but the gentleman who handed me the hammer looked at me a little funny.

I returned to my chair and whispered a thank you to God. He had heard my prayer and provided the avenue for me to place the barriers (my sins) into the past. There they will forever remain.

Later that evening, back at the church where the weekend had begun we had kind of a graduation ceremony for those of us who had gone through the Via de Cristo retreat. After each group had been recognized we were asked if any of us had anything we wanted to say. I told my story about my two barriers. I told them of God’s answer to my prayer. I hope the message came through loud and clear how God had heard me and then provided the means to accomplish my desire. I am sure it was His desire as well. It was a powerful message that God used me to deliver. He surely glorified Himself in my eyes that evening.

The next morning, Monday, I arose to partake in devotions. I opened my book, My Utmost For His Highest by Oswald Chambers. The entry for March 7th was titled “The Source of Abundant Joy.” God was talking with me again.

The Monday after the weekend I returned to work. The message light was not blinking. An astounding event considering I had been off work Thursday and Friday for this three and a half day retreat. All day Monday, the light never blinked. When I arrived at work on Tuesday morning, the light was dark. All day Tuesday the light never blinked, was this divine intervention after such a wonderful weekend retreat? I thought about leaving myself a message from another phone just to see if maybe the light was not working properly but I didn’t want to question God. Wednesday it blinked, it wasn’t broken after all. Two whole days and not a single blink? Divine intervention? I don’t know. I do know that over the sixteen years I was in that position there had never been a day that light had not blinked. It rarely went for two hours, let alone two days without blinking for my attention.